Thursday, 23 January 2014

DEPECHE MODE - THE REAL REASON THE DELTA MACHINE TOUR ENDS IN MOSCOW

I swore I would keep this secret but I can't hide the truth any longer. I know why the Depeche Mode tour isn't extending beyond Moscow and I have to let you all know. What follows is a tale of mystery, intrigue and very possibly some of the truth.

The band initially fell out over plans for A Broken Frame medley for the third leg. Dave and Fletch were happy with it to run My Secret Garden/A Photograph of You/The Meaning Of Love/Leave In Silence but Martin insisted on dropping Leave In Silence and adding Shouldn't Have Done That. In this picture here


Dave can be clearly heard saying to Martin "This many people want Leave In Silence in the medley you massive ponce" to which Martin is replying "I ALWAYS knew you and Fletch hated me"

That  really soured things. 

To try and sort it out band leader Peter "The Piano" Gordeno who has in fact personally earned £80m of the band's total revenue of this tour given that he secretly wrote most of the post Some Great Reward back catalogue called a band meeting in Helsinki and attempted to broker a peace deal. It was suggested by Dave and Fletch that they would drop the ABF medley idea if instead they could focus on a b-side section where classics like Flexible and In Your Memory could get an outing. This infuriated Martin who had been angling for the Pre Deportation mix of Flexible to be played from the Nice gig onwards.

He grabbed his guitar and stormed off into the Helsinki night. Dave ran after him as this exclusive picture shows


All looks well there doesn't it? It's not. Martin is saying

 "So I say for MONTHS that I want the Pre Deportation mix included instead of Personal Jesus and you say 'no Mart that is a stupid idea' then you and Fletch gang up on me AGAIN once Gordeno tells you to and you tell me you now want Flexible in. REALLY? For fuck's sake..."

Dave - "Look Mart, calm down. Gordeno wants this so me and Fletch do too. You know we have to if Gordeno says so. "

Martin - " fuck Gordeno. It's my band for christ's sake"

Dave - "Come on Mart, you know it's his. You know it, I know it. Let's just finish the tour"

Martin - "Or what? What's he going to do eh? Insist we play the same setlist every night even though we've got a back catalogue full of legendary songs that would shame any band on earth?"

Dave "Erm...well......"

And that is how we find ourselves where we are today friends.

I should explain how I found this all out. When the band were in Glasgow last December I took a walk down to the venue to see what was happening. A blacked out jeep pulled up and the back window rolled down. A hairless but masculine hand popped out of the window and beckoned me over

"You. Get in."

I did. It was Gordeno. The whole car smelled of pianos and slightly unnecessary solos.

"I've seen your blog," said Gordeno "I know you want to know the true Depeche Mode."

"My blog Almost Predictable Almost Peter?" I added somewhat unnecessarily

"Yeah," he slurred tinkering on a mini piano "that one. It really is the only Depeche blog people should look at"

"Thanks Peter," I said nervously "but how does this help with all these Depeche Mode Tour rumours?"

"It doesn't, " boomed the Liberace of the Alternative Electronic scene "it's just for background."

We sped off through the Glasgow streets. 

I took this picture in the back of the vehicle. 


"The band won't play South America you know" he said suddenly. "I've decided that the tour must end in Moscow."

"Why?" I asked nervously

"It's my band. No-one but you and my band members knows that. Alan Wilder doesn't actually exist. It was me in a mask. I've been running this for years now. Have you ever seen us in the same place?"

"Erm..yeah? The O2 gigs, the Albert Hall last tour for starters"

"NONSENSE" screamed the genius behind the in no way unncessary jazz piano fill ins on I Feel You "They were Wilder robots built to fool all of you. I choose the setlists. I programme the keyboards. I tell Dave what to wear, when to spin and who to hug. I ordered him to stop hugging Fletch after whatever outdoor gig it was in the summer that he last hugged him. Those two are far too close and could ruin my band."

I was stunned. Gordeno pulled out his gold discs for every album since Some Great Reward. He showed me his bank account which was filling up continuously with money like in a film when money is transferred from the good guys' account to the bad guys' Swiss one. It all seemed true.

PETER GORDENO IS ACTUALLY DEPECHE MODE

He swore me to secrecy and dropped me off with a country style piano flourish. I wandered home dazed. 

I don't know what trouble I'll be in now that I've told you all this. I have angered Gordeno and as Dave, Martin and Fletch found out to their cost that is a very very bad thing.

If you see him, don't tell him I told you this.....






5 comments:

  1. Wow, now this explains _everything_!

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  2. You will be sorry. You know he's actually Putin too?

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  3. You've got too much time on your hands! Very funny!

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  4. What a waste of fucking letters. It's bullshit like this which is why the internet needs a fucking DELETE button. Take this garbage down.

    ReplyDelete